Year 32

This year my birthday came, and I just felt old; not old because of my age, but old because so many “seasons” of my life are over. It’s just hard sometimes to know that time just keeps on going; before you know it, you’re no longer in the stage of “babies”, but going through the fast paced life of raising “good humans” and boy is it hard.It’s bittersweet to know that those parts of my life are over.

I am 32, and my 15 year old is at the age that I was when I found out I was pregnant. She will be driving in a few short months. I am no longer 21 and newly married. An entire DECADE ago, I lost my 1st ever best friend. Sometimes the chill of winter and being at the barn still brings back flashbacks from that terrible day.

You just wake up one day and you’re 32 and think how did I get here already… I’ll never be 23 again and expecting my rainbow baby. That’s a feeling I won’t ever forget.

Through the years, you realize what really matters, what’s worth fighting for and what really isn’t worth your time and energy. I’d like to think I’ve always been wise beyond my years, but there’s something to say for time. Time helps heal, time gives you the opportunity to reflect, and it forces you to soak up those little glimmers of life. Time also makes you realize before you know it, your last baby isn’t a baby anymore. Time stings when you realize years have gone by and all of a sudden, you’re not 18, meeting the man of your dreams going on dates, but you’re in the thick of parenthood, writing notes to each other because you usually just see each other in passing. You realize that your marriage must be pretty strong if you’ve continued to choose each for better or for worse. You realize despite feeling under attack, and battles you’ve faced the past year, that you still are madly in love.

We only get one life and there’s only so much time to live it, but somedays I wish I could go back to those slow days when I had endless time to just stare at my brand new baby for hours while they slept. When the world seemed quieter, when you were still buying baby toys for Christmas. I wish the people I have lost and loved, could be here to witness “this” part of my life.

So, while December yet again is almost over, I’m trying to just remind myself that these indeed “are the days I’ve prayed for”. God has blessed me immensely. I got to spend time at the farm with my horse, watch my dogs run, listen to my kids fight over who wanted to sit closest to me at dinner (because I am that loved), enjoy lemon cake from my grandma, visit with my mom and aunts amongst the chaos, see my sister, read a sweet card from my husband, dinner out with my long time best friend, and have all of my kids with me on my birthday…Here’s to this chapter of my life.